Is summer almost over? 29 days left!

I have been painting quite a bit over the last week. I painted my kitchen a light green color and then a darker green shade over my couch. Now it is time to do the work of repainting the rest of the walls in the main part of the house downstairs. It's hard for me to pour the paint from the 5 gallon container, so I think I will finish what I started after the pastors wives prayer meeting tonight. Then I won't get so hot from the light coming in through the windows and then I will have Jeff around to help me steady the container as I pour.

And now for what you really wanted to know: I found out on Friday that I am not pregnant -- again. I went in for my annual pap smear and convinced the nurse practitioner to give me a blood test so that I could know early. After all I was using vaginal progesterone suppositories that would delay my period. Poor Jeff. He has had to sit through so many tears. I really don't consider myself to be a big crier. Most of my life, I haven't been. But infertility really brings it out in me. Maybe I was too proud about my cryless state. Now I don't go long without crying -- possibly every third day. And let me tell you, everyone can get pregnant except me. Three of my closest friends are pregnant with their third child. I try not to be happy and not bitter, but it is hard. My verse: The joy of the Lord is my strength!

Now Jeff and I have gone to 4 of our adoption classes. Sometimes I really feel like God is leading us into adoption and we are not having children because adoption is his will for our lives. But then yesterday I read a really discouraging article in Newsweek magazine about a foster child who was adopted. His name was Larry King. His birth mother was addicted to drugs and that is how he came into care. He had an attachment disorder. He come out as gay in 6th grade and he was very flamboyant. He wore makeup, glitter and stillettos. In middle school, another child (also a foster care child) came to school and shot Larry and killed him. Larry was harassing this kid Brandon. He was staring at him, he had a crush on him and Larry asked him if he would be his Valentine. I can't convey how discouraging this article was. I think the reason I started to get discouraged is I started thinking about the kids I have had in my class who have been abused at home, bullied and how they are similar to Larry. How they need attention. How they have terrible social skills. But I did have two students in my class this year who were adopted through the foster system, and they weren't that horrible. They were just kids. They had issues, but they also had friends.

The reason I feel like maybe we should adopt is that I felt like God was prompting me during a sermon probably over a year ago. Pastor George was talking about Peter stepping out of the boat and George asked, "Where do you feel like you need to step out of the boat in your life?" I feel like adopting a foster child is stepping out of the boat for sure. Why? Because it is not safe, it is not risk free. I feel like I am guaranteed to fail, but that if I keep my eyes on Jesus, he will steady me. He will redeem my feeble attempts to love and discipline a broken child. I also feel like I am called as one of Jesus' followers to take care of the fatherless. I can't justify spending money I don't have for invetero or foreign adoption when so many children in Oregon are neglected and abused. They are God's children, too. And he loves them fiercely.

It is hard when people tell me it's not a good idea. I have been reading this great book on adoption called Labor of Love and the author of that wrote that people should think long and hard before they adopt a child from the state. Grrr. So I am thinking -- long and hard.

What is frustrating is that my life will not get easier when I have a child. I have been waiting so long and the child I have will not be an easy one, but yet that is what I think God might be calling me to... we shall see.