Being A Mom

So I am freaking out a little bit about the thought of starting work part-time in a month. My official start date is December 2nd. Vaguely I remember the days where I would ask Jeff for things to do to keep me occupied. And just about every day I had my to-do list finished, and I still was not happy. Why? Because I didn't have the privilege of being a mom.

Now I am a mom. And I finally have little children to put to bed, give baths, read books to, cart around at Target, and play with. I am very thankful for them. I actually feel like right now, on leave, I still have things pretty well organized and running smoothly.

I am nervous because yesterday I went back to work for one day and came home feeling very anxious. I am freaking out that I am not going to like my class, school, job-sharing and the mess that will be left at home and at school. I am beginning to wonder if I have a little OCD about me. Is this normal?

My mom came over to watch the kids. They didn't seem to mind at all me being gone all day. I think they had more fun with my mom then they did with me. I actually don't mind the thought of them spending the day with her. I think it is kind of nice for me to get a break. I guess it's where I am going that bothers me. There is a lot of stress involved in being a teacher. I come home feeling like my skin is crawling with tension. Then my kids are not the kind of kids that are always the easiest to deal with. You need to have your reserve of patience pretty well stored up. The kids I will be teaching at school are not the easiest to deal with either ... My goal now is to pray about it. God has been faithful at each leg of my journey. If I just pay attention to the blessings (and troubles) in my lap today, I feel pretty good. It's when I start trying to look a month ahead that's when I get into trouble.

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34

May 20th-- A Big Day for Me This Year (and not because it's my birthday)

Jeff and I have been chosen for committee to adopt two little girls: One is 2 1/2 and one is 10 months old. The committee date for the girls is May 20th. We have also been chosen for committee to adopt two little boys who are 2 and 4 years old. But we won't know the committee date for the boys until about May 20th. So if we are not selected for the girls, we have a chance with the boys.

Hopefully God will give me grace and peace if we are not selected. Our odds are one in three, there are two other couples being considered by this committee of neutral parties.

I have been wrestling lately with giving up my job. My plan is to either take a one-year leave of absence and not work at all. The other alternative is to take a one-year leave of absence from 0.5 of my position, so I would job share. This means that I would be moved to another school and possibly another grade. My mom has agreed to watch the kids we adopt on the days that I would work, which would be a huge blessing.

All of this giving up requires a lot of faith. We don't know that we are going to get the boys or the girls, yet I need to give up my position so that I can have the opportunity to job share next year. Yikes! Talk about stepping off a ledge.

Whenever I see people they ask me if I have any news, but I don't. I have to wait until May 20th. At least light is there at the end of the tunnel.

To adopt, or not to adopt

So, my mom's best friend Cindy is really in the network as far as adoption is concerned. She has a non-profit organization called Chosen and she organizes adoption camps. This last year she helped a couple adopt a child from a woman who was pregnant.

So anyway, she knows about this other woman who is pregnant and asked Jeff and I if we were interested. The woman is 29, single and has 4 children already. She doesn't want to have an abortion, but feels like she can't afford or manage to have another child on her own.

I gave Cindy the adoption book that Jeff and I made on Shutterfly this summer. It shows Jeff and I, our interests, our house, our family and our friends. Cindy will bring the book down to Grants Pass to show it to the mother. Jeff is really excited about the opportunity and I am too, as far as adoption opportunities go.

Also, we heard back from DHS, from the woman who is writing our home study. She is now finishing it up and told us she would be back to us soon to ask us some more questions.

But, I am also having reservations. I stay at school so late. I don't think it would be very manageable to have small infant children, or toddler children and a full time job as well. I don't know how moms do it. I think I would go crazy. Maybe I am more of a type A personality then I ever knew. Would I ever be able to clean my house? Would I get to sleep? When would I cook? When would I shop? I foresee getting really frustrated with Jeff because of his clutter ... etc. Would I ever get to exercise? Jeff and I have talked about how I could work part-time, but I'm not sure that it is very realistic, just because my school district seems to frown on hiring part-time teachers and we have quite a few at my school already. Also I feel pretty attached to my money, especially now that the economy is not doing so well. I feel like my job is fairly secure. So I feel like I should do what I can to keep it, after all there may come a time when people will need some help, like my mother or my sister or my friends. Wouldn't it be nice if somebody had some extra time and money to help people out when they are in need?

Then also I have been feeling overwhelmed lately with what I am expecting myself to do in my classroom. It is already near the end of the first trimester. I am spending a lot of my instructional time giving my students this universal screening test. I feel frustrated, because I feel like there is no end in sight. Before I started giving them these tests I had already met with my students in informal reading conferences and I had talked about goals that I had for them. Now I feel like I don't have the chance to teach them because I am so busy assessing them. My prime time to teach and give individualized support to students has been eaten up by assessing. I am frustrated. And I feel like my kids are not where last year's teachers said they were, so now I need to break this unhappy news to parents at conferences. Not so exciting. And I haven't had much time to teach students on my own.

Fall Memories

This weekend I headed down to Wilbur, Ore. where my grandparents live for the Old Methodist Church's Christmas bazaar. This is the third year where I have helped at their holiday bazaar. I go for selfish reasons. It is a great time to have my grandparent's attention all to myself. I get to have one on one time with them and it is so special.

I drove down Friday night after school and really enjoyed the crystal clear blue sky and shockingly bright fall trees. Nanny had dinner ready for me when I got there and she made a cake just for me. I had to have a piece!

Then on Saturday morning they took me out to breakfast at the Del Rey Cafe -- their favorite breakfast spot. Next we headed to the church for the bazaar that started at 9 a.m. When we got there at 8:30 a.m. there were already local ladies starting to line up.

I have to tell you a little about the church. I started going there when I lived in Wilbur when I was 3 years old. I attended from the age of 3 to 3rd grade. My kindergarten teachers Helen Woods and Mary Wise attended there. I have them to thank for getting me off to a great start educationally. They ran a private kindergarten. There were 9 children in my afternoon kindergarten class and two teachers. What a great ratio! They reminded me of the fairy godmothers on Sleeping Beauty. Mary always wore a blue polyester dress with white functional nurse-like shoes. Anyway ...

The church is on Oregon's historical register, because it used to be a one-room church. It has stained glass windows and a bell tower. My grandpa rings the bell and serves as an usher there on Sundays. My grandma plays the organ every Sunday. They also make sure the grass is mowed every week. I recognize a lot of the people there. I didn't used to know all their names, because a lot of the people who went there when I was a little girl have passed away. There are just a couple that are still there that I remember from the old days. But since I have helped out at the bazaar for the past couple of years, I know a lot of names. There are about 48 older folks that attend church there every Sunday.

Anyway, I was given just about every job in the place. They wanted me to clear tables, be a greeter, be a cashier, be a bagger, help carry out heavy loads for shoppers and put boxes of goods in the sanctuary for people who were still shopping but couldn't carry their loads. I kept pretty busy for most of the day.

When we opened the doors at 9 a.m. there were probably about 30 women lined up ready to buy. All the items there were handmade. Here are some of the things that were there: quilts, dishtowels, embroidered pillowcases, dolls, booties, scarves, bread, cookies, cakes, and so much more. The women work all year long making things for this bazaar. It's incredible.

They made over $5,000 this year. Everything they make goes to charities like Habitat for Humanity, Holt, and a cancer camp for children. I budgeted money and spent a wad, too. I got embroidered dishtowels, jellies and jams, potholders and loaves of pumpkin bread. Yum! I also ate a piece of homemade apple pie and a cup of coffee.

I had a great weekend. It was like stepping back in time and into my memories of being a child. It reminds me how much I love my grandparents and just how special they are to me.

First Day of School

Today was a fun day. What a relief! Jeff prayed for me a lot today and I think that made a difference (I did quite a bit of praying, too). Everything went smoothly. All my materials were in the right place. I had my student teacher there, so she helped me prepare materials. The kids were very quiet. They did their work. They walked quietly in their line. They didn't call out (much). And we got to have some fun.

But there is more work to be done. I need to focus on being firm and consistent with classroom management. I don't have my student's names down yet. I need to get to know them better as the days go by.

To be honest, it's hard to blog about my students or my class, because of confidentiality concerns. So that is all you get. Sorry, but know that I had a fun day!

Back to school

Yesterday was my first full day back as a paid teacher. I sat through a long day of staff development on professional learning communities. It was held at my church, which was interesting. I think my school district chose our church because it is centrally located and the sanctuary has a big space for round tables. We also have great screens for a power point presentation. I thought it was a cool opportunity. A lot of people went to my church, stepped foot in the door, that might never go there otherwise and I got to invite a couple girls to church. I told them what Jeff does as a pastor. I explained what we were learning about in church during this series. But the real clincher, I told them we serve Starbuck's coffee for free. The church even has free half-n-half (That was a real selling point). I also told them I would be volunteering at the coffee bar on Saturday nights. I told them that church is a great way to entertain yourself on Saturday nights for free. "My husband and I save a lot of money by not going out on Saturday nights." It's true, too.

Today I met the student teacher who will be in my class teaching a science unit this semester. She goes to Cascade College. After I met her at the Butler Creek parking lot, we drove over to CHS. We heard the superintendent's address and then listened to union reps tell us a little about the new teaching contract. Then I went back to my school for a school meeting and time to work in my classroom.

This year I have 28 children in my classroom: 17 boys and 11 girls. I am a little intimidated by the number of children in my class, and specifically by the number of boys. I am hoping that my 5 years of classroom experience will make a difference. We'll see. I am hoping and praying that I will not let any of the children slip through the cracks -- that all of them will make the progress they need to make, that they make growth in reading, writing and math. I hope it will not be another repeat of the year before last. That was rough.

One of my students this year has Down Syndrome. I will have an aide in my classroom to help me out with him; actually two different aides. One of them is a new hire. I thought it was interesting that she used to work for DHS for 8 years. I am not exactly sure what she did with them. Right now she is also a foster mom, too. When I met her she said she recognized me, so I asked her if she went to church. She said she attended Abundant Life. Small world, huh? She also knows my sister-in-law, Leslie.

I wonder if God is bringing people into my life to prepare me for adoption? I am planning on making an appointment to talk to a counselor about my infertility and preparing for adoption. I want to unload my baggage, grieve my losses and move on, if possible.

I have also realized something else, my dear pregnant and mother friends. Having pregnant friends, family members and co-workers may be the closest I ever get to being pregnant myself. This is my chance to experience pregnancy vicariously through people that I love. So I should enjoy the stories, the parties, and buying the cute little clothes. This is my chance to enjoy them, too. A good thing to realize.
Peace out!

Is summer almost over? 29 days left!

I have been painting quite a bit over the last week. I painted my kitchen a light green color and then a darker green shade over my couch. Now it is time to do the work of repainting the rest of the walls in the main part of the house downstairs. It's hard for me to pour the paint from the 5 gallon container, so I think I will finish what I started after the pastors wives prayer meeting tonight. Then I won't get so hot from the light coming in through the windows and then I will have Jeff around to help me steady the container as I pour.

And now for what you really wanted to know: I found out on Friday that I am not pregnant -- again. I went in for my annual pap smear and convinced the nurse practitioner to give me a blood test so that I could know early. After all I was using vaginal progesterone suppositories that would delay my period. Poor Jeff. He has had to sit through so many tears. I really don't consider myself to be a big crier. Most of my life, I haven't been. But infertility really brings it out in me. Maybe I was too proud about my cryless state. Now I don't go long without crying -- possibly every third day. And let me tell you, everyone can get pregnant except me. Three of my closest friends are pregnant with their third child. I try not to be happy and not bitter, but it is hard. My verse: The joy of the Lord is my strength!

Now Jeff and I have gone to 4 of our adoption classes. Sometimes I really feel like God is leading us into adoption and we are not having children because adoption is his will for our lives. But then yesterday I read a really discouraging article in Newsweek magazine about a foster child who was adopted. His name was Larry King. His birth mother was addicted to drugs and that is how he came into care. He had an attachment disorder. He come out as gay in 6th grade and he was very flamboyant. He wore makeup, glitter and stillettos. In middle school, another child (also a foster care child) came to school and shot Larry and killed him. Larry was harassing this kid Brandon. He was staring at him, he had a crush on him and Larry asked him if he would be his Valentine. I can't convey how discouraging this article was. I think the reason I started to get discouraged is I started thinking about the kids I have had in my class who have been abused at home, bullied and how they are similar to Larry. How they need attention. How they have terrible social skills. But I did have two students in my class this year who were adopted through the foster system, and they weren't that horrible. They were just kids. They had issues, but they also had friends.

The reason I feel like maybe we should adopt is that I felt like God was prompting me during a sermon probably over a year ago. Pastor George was talking about Peter stepping out of the boat and George asked, "Where do you feel like you need to step out of the boat in your life?" I feel like adopting a foster child is stepping out of the boat for sure. Why? Because it is not safe, it is not risk free. I feel like I am guaranteed to fail, but that if I keep my eyes on Jesus, he will steady me. He will redeem my feeble attempts to love and discipline a broken child. I also feel like I am called as one of Jesus' followers to take care of the fatherless. I can't justify spending money I don't have for invetero or foreign adoption when so many children in Oregon are neglected and abused. They are God's children, too. And he loves them fiercely.

It is hard when people tell me it's not a good idea. I have been reading this great book on adoption called Labor of Love and the author of that wrote that people should think long and hard before they adopt a child from the state. Grrr. So I am thinking -- long and hard.

What is frustrating is that my life will not get easier when I have a child. I have been waiting so long and the child I have will not be an easy one, but yet that is what I think God might be calling me to... we shall see.