Is summer almost over? 29 days left!

I have been painting quite a bit over the last week. I painted my kitchen a light green color and then a darker green shade over my couch. Now it is time to do the work of repainting the rest of the walls in the main part of the house downstairs. It's hard for me to pour the paint from the 5 gallon container, so I think I will finish what I started after the pastors wives prayer meeting tonight. Then I won't get so hot from the light coming in through the windows and then I will have Jeff around to help me steady the container as I pour.

And now for what you really wanted to know: I found out on Friday that I am not pregnant -- again. I went in for my annual pap smear and convinced the nurse practitioner to give me a blood test so that I could know early. After all I was using vaginal progesterone suppositories that would delay my period. Poor Jeff. He has had to sit through so many tears. I really don't consider myself to be a big crier. Most of my life, I haven't been. But infertility really brings it out in me. Maybe I was too proud about my cryless state. Now I don't go long without crying -- possibly every third day. And let me tell you, everyone can get pregnant except me. Three of my closest friends are pregnant with their third child. I try not to be happy and not bitter, but it is hard. My verse: The joy of the Lord is my strength!

Now Jeff and I have gone to 4 of our adoption classes. Sometimes I really feel like God is leading us into adoption and we are not having children because adoption is his will for our lives. But then yesterday I read a really discouraging article in Newsweek magazine about a foster child who was adopted. His name was Larry King. His birth mother was addicted to drugs and that is how he came into care. He had an attachment disorder. He come out as gay in 6th grade and he was very flamboyant. He wore makeup, glitter and stillettos. In middle school, another child (also a foster care child) came to school and shot Larry and killed him. Larry was harassing this kid Brandon. He was staring at him, he had a crush on him and Larry asked him if he would be his Valentine. I can't convey how discouraging this article was. I think the reason I started to get discouraged is I started thinking about the kids I have had in my class who have been abused at home, bullied and how they are similar to Larry. How they need attention. How they have terrible social skills. But I did have two students in my class this year who were adopted through the foster system, and they weren't that horrible. They were just kids. They had issues, but they also had friends.

The reason I feel like maybe we should adopt is that I felt like God was prompting me during a sermon probably over a year ago. Pastor George was talking about Peter stepping out of the boat and George asked, "Where do you feel like you need to step out of the boat in your life?" I feel like adopting a foster child is stepping out of the boat for sure. Why? Because it is not safe, it is not risk free. I feel like I am guaranteed to fail, but that if I keep my eyes on Jesus, he will steady me. He will redeem my feeble attempts to love and discipline a broken child. I also feel like I am called as one of Jesus' followers to take care of the fatherless. I can't justify spending money I don't have for invetero or foreign adoption when so many children in Oregon are neglected and abused. They are God's children, too. And he loves them fiercely.

It is hard when people tell me it's not a good idea. I have been reading this great book on adoption called Labor of Love and the author of that wrote that people should think long and hard before they adopt a child from the state. Grrr. So I am thinking -- long and hard.

What is frustrating is that my life will not get easier when I have a child. I have been waiting so long and the child I have will not be an easy one, but yet that is what I think God might be calling me to... we shall see.

Day 13

So, here is where it becomes frustrating. Today I woke up and my temperature was 97.8. Yesterday it was 97.1. That is a rise of .7 degrees. Usually a rise of .6 signifies ovulation. So have I already ovulated? I take my first ovulation test today. I guess I just need to relax. One blessing is that there hasn't been any pain or weird feelings or emotions with the clomid.

Yesterday I took my nieces and nephew bowling, on a picnic and to the library. Then I helped out with Super Summer Spectacular. It was a full, fun day.

Today I am going to a Rigby training with my fellow teacher Nancy. We are hopefully going to learn what things the curriculum has to offer to teach reading. Tonight Jeff and I go to our first adoption class. I think I need to read my Bible.

Trips to Seaside and Roseburg

Have you ever had a vacation where you don't have a plan? Jeff and I usually take vacations where every moment is planned. Not so this time.

We went to Seaside, OR and stayed in a house generously loaned to us by a couple from the church. We brought games, we took walks, we read, we ate out and we enjoyed cable television. Since we don't have cable at home, that was a big perk. The house was tastefully coordinated in a beach appropriate theme. It had a backyard that Boston absolutely loved. It made me more serious about trying to save money for a down payment on a house that has a yard. It's always something, isn't it?

We had a really good time. One of the best parts was that Jeff's brother, Scott; his wife, Leslie; and little Jada met us on Saturday. Then his parents met us Saturday night bringing a tasty array of snacks. We had a nice time enjoying the great weather at the beach. Since there was a heat wave going on in Portland it was nice to be away from our un-air conditioned townhouse.

Then we came back on Monday. I had an interview for a job at the City of Gresham as a program technician. I didn't get the position, but to be completely honest, I feel like I sabotaged the interview a bit. However, I think that they probably had someone who was a better fit for the position. Even though it would be nice to have made a little more money this summer, I am glad that I will have time to help my mom paint her cupboards and also a little time for me to paint my walls, too.

On Tuesday, I headed down to Wilbur, OR where my grandparents live to see Nanny, Papa and my mom. My mom goes down one week a month to work as a hair stylist. She has clients down there because she lived there for about 6 years before she moved to Portland. It was nice to see my grandma and grandpa. I feel like my time with them is very special. This year my grandma had some health problems and I was afraid we might lose her. So time is precious.

My grandma spoiled me. How? She paid for me to have a pedicure with in Sutherlin and she took me to breakfast twice. While I was there I also saw my Uncle Donald (he is my grandma's brother). He also is not doing well. He is a diabetic and is having all kinds of problems. One of them is an infection on his foot, which may mean he could lose a leg. I have lost my hearing in one ear, and that was pretty frustrating. I can't imagine how frustrating it would be to lose a foot.

I found out some things about my family that I didn't realize before this trip. First of all, I didn't realize that my grandma and grandpa had brought a little girl into their family as a foster child. I remember seeing pictures of her in the family photo album. And now I finally know who she was. It was nice to hear from my grandma about her experience being a foster parent. She said she would have adopted Marianne if she could have, but Marianne went back to her mom.

Then I also found out that Michael, my uncle Donald's son, was adopted from Korea. I don't know why I didn't realize this before. Donald is white, his ex-wife Yo, was Japanese. I assumed that Michael was a their child. I talked with Donald about adopting today. He said it was a heart-breaking experience for him. Michael was a loving and affectionate child, but at age 11 he started taking drugs. I know that Michael also was in jail and Michael is dead now. I asked Uncle Donald if he would have adopted again if he had the opportunity to do it all over again. He said, "That is a hard question. I think I would think about it a lot more."

I also learned about my mom's cousin, Jodi, who also adopted two kids from the state. My mom said one of the children turned out fine, but one of them ended up molesting other children -- one of the younger cousins in the family. Now they have to supervise this boy and keep watch so he doesn't hurt other children. Yikes. That would be absolutely horrible.

I asked my mom what she thought I should do. Her advice: Don't do anything until you know that God wants you to do it. And also: Seek God. She thought maybe I didn't get the job because God wants me to have time to seek him.

Good advice, I think.

I think I have been pushing Jeff a little too hard, because I want a baby now, now, now. Whenever we have a conversation, I tend to drive it babyward. So, I need to be patient. I need to pray for God's leading on Jeff's heart (Jeff already asked me to do pray for him, now I just need to do it). Because if Jeff and I are on the same page, surely it is God's leading.

On Monday before we left for Seaside, Jeff and I had a meeting with a new doctor at OHSU. She's not really a new doctor. She treated me when I had a miscarriage last fall and she went above and beyond the call of duty to comfort, reassure and find answers for me. So we decided to switch from a previous doctor to her.

We went to her to ask her what our chances are, what our problem is, what the next steps would be, et cetera. She said it is not Jeff alone. She suggested a test that we could take. She said the problem is unexplained infertility. She suggested that we could do a couple more rounds of clomid plus progesterone. So that is what we are doing.

Today is Day 1 in my cycle. I got my period right after I enjoyed a delicious breakfast of crepes with mixed berry compote, apple sausage and scrambled eggs (and a cup of coffee -- hopefully my last during this new cycle). I called in my prescription for clomid today and I will start taking it this Monday.

I told Jeff on the way to the beach that I was done trying to get pregnant, but he said, "I'm not."
I am amazed at our ability to hope despite setbacks in the past. We will also be taking our adoption classes this month and continuing to fill out our paperwork. I pray that God will do his will to guide and direct our steps.